XI POOH

🚨 SUPREME LEADER XI POOH APPROVES THIS SATIRE 🚨

$XIPOOH TOKEN METRICS

Official Documentation from the Token Economics Verification Bureau

★ VERY OFFICIAL ★

🎉 SUPREME ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE CENTRAL COORDINATION COMMITTEE 🎉

Following extensive consultation with our Advanced Temporal Accuracy Bureau and the Color-Coded Badge Standardization Council, we are pleased to present the definitive $XIPOOH token metrics. All previous metric announcements have been retroactively updated to align with current reality. "Very accurate!" declares committee while consulting calendar for first time.

💰 Core Token Metrics

Total Supply

1,000,000,000

Fixed supply of exactly one billion tokens. Mint authority to be revoked (probably). No additional tokens can be created unless we need them, in which case we'll call it "a strategic redenomination event."

Launch Date

Feb 17, 2026

Tuesday declared auspicious Year of the Horse. Feng shui consultants mandate office mirror repositioning. Dates exist in harmonious flexibility—also Wednesday, possibly Thursday. "Very scientifically geomantic!" proclaims Directorate while scheduling next reform.

Presale Duration

54 Days

December 24, 2025 - February 17, 2026. "Very scientifically auspicious!" declares Commissioner of Inverse Date Progression while gesturing toward whiteboard covered in arrows pointing leftward. "Christmas Eve positioning creates harmonious commercial-spiritual energy convergence plus numerological prosperity through accidental alignment!"

Max Per Wallet (Presale)

2,000,000

Maximum 2M tokens per verified human wallet. Bots cannot bypass this limit because they cannot correctly draw horses in MS Paint. Abacus Training Initiative (mandatory, 16-week certification program, biweekly recertification requirements) teaches proper bead manipulation techniques aligned with auspicious counting directions.

Maximum Presale Participants

150 Humans

Exclusive community of 100 verified humans (300M ÷ 2M = 150). Creates intimate atmosphere and definitely not centralization concerns. Badge color assignment determined by registration timestamp and bureaucratic mood.

Launch Price Advantage

3.5X Win Win

Presale participants receive 3.5X better cost basis than launch buyers. This price asymmetry creates "community cohesion through economic stratification." Launch buyers protected from bots but not from presale participants.

📊 Token Distribution Model

Official Allocation Breakdown

PRESALE
30%

LOCKED ON-CHAIN
50%

LIQUIDITY POOL
10%

MARKETING
10%

Presale (300M)
Distributed to 150 verified humans who promise to hold forever (expected holding period: 54 days of patience, 54 seconds of selling)

Liquidity Pool (100M)
Paired with all presale SOL on Raydium. LP tokens to be burned (screenshot will be provided, trust implicitly)

Marketing & Development (100M)
Reserved for strategic partnerships, influencer outreach, and development. Issued to buy more honey.

Locked On-Chain 1 Year (500M)
Locked for 1-year on-chain, after 1 year 50,000,000 unlocked every 6 months. Lock period under review by committee that never meets.

📅 Official Timeline 54 = 唔死 (will not die) in Cantonese = immortal investment thesis

December 24, 2025 (Christmas Eve)

Presale launch achieves perfect harmony through Yiwu manufacturing synergy. China produces 60% of global Christmas decorations from single city, therefore launching of $XIPOOH meme token on Christmas Eve creates "circular commercial feng shui." Also Jesus rode donkey (close relative of horse, verified by Agricultural Ministry consultant). Presale registration opens requiring applicants spell "horse" correctly in MS Paint verification system. Excel spreadsheet password set to "Horse2026Tuesday" providing maximum security through predictable pattern nobody will guess.

December 31, 2025 (New Year's Eve)

Secondary auspicious date recognized through fireworks synchronicity analysis. China invented fireworks during Tang Dynasty (verified by mandatory history seminar attendance records), therefore launching during Western fireworks celebration creates "explosive prosperity resonance." New verification tier unlocked: Gold Badge applicants must draw firework in MS Paint while blindfolded. Three-person committee reviews artistic merit before Excel entry permitted.

JJanuary 1, 2026 (Western New Year)

Triple-auspicious date combining: (1) New beginning energy, (2) Number 1 represents leadership position in numerological framework, (3) Hangover recovery period means less critical thinking during investment decisions. "Very opportunistically harmonious!" notes Marketing Directorate internal memo accidentally sent to all participants.

January 15, 2026 (Approximate Date Various Lunar Calendar Systems Might Acknowledge)

Presale enters "Probabilistic New Year Window" recognizing that different lunar calendar interpretation methodologies yield different dates, therefore all dates between January 10-February 10 exist in state of perpetual celebration readiness. Silver Badge registration requires applicants calculate own lunar new year date using approved abacus methodology, submit via password-protected Excel, receive confirmation via postal mail.

February 14, 2026 (Valentine's Day)

Love-themed auspicious date permits romantic attachment to investment opportunities. Presale marketing pivots to "fall in love with decentralized horse governance." Bronze Badge applicants required to write love poem to blockchain technology, minimum 54 characters (very lucky number), submit via Excel cell formatted as "text" not "general" (critical for database integrity).

February 17, 2026 - 12:00 AM

LAUNCH DAY - YEAR OF THE HORSE BEGINS
Contract deployed, liquidity pool created, 200M presale tokens unlock simultaneously. Presale participants face philosophical question: "Am I community or am I liquidity?" Answer typically determined within first 63 seconds. Launch buyers arrive to discover price discovery already in progress.

February 18, 2026

Development team enters "strategic hibernation period." Community continues "organic growth" (price discovery toward zero). Marketing fund begins "graduated distribution based on market conditions" (all sells are strategic).

🛡️ Anti-Bot Protection Mechanism

Layer 1: Manual Verification

Excel spreadsheet with 150 registered wallet addresses. Password protected with industry-leading security phrase. Backup stored on USB drive labeled "Very Important Token Stuff." Bots cannot bypass this system because they cannot answer sophisticated questions like "Are you human?" and "Can you draw horse?"

Layer 2: Human Detection

Advanced AI-powered screening (intern with Magic 8-Ball) reviews all applications. Verification time: 3-7 business days unless badge color determination requires additional committee consultation. System detects bot behavior through sophisticated pattern recognition (if applicant completes form too quickly, obviously suspicious).

Layer 3: Wallet Registration

Verified humans submit SOL wallet addresses via Telegram DM. Addresses recorded in master spreadsheet with formula errors ignored for efficiency. Smart contract will somehow recognize registered addresses through blockchain integration (technical details under review by developer who copy-pasted code from StackOverflow).

Layer 4: Launch Day Protection

Presale holders receive tokens microseconds before LP creation, creating fair distribution model. Launch buyers protected from bot snipes ✓. Launch buyers not protected from 200M presale tokens seeking exit ✗. "Very secure!" proclaims security team while explaining why simultaneous unlock is feature, not bug.

⚠️ Mandatory Risk Disclosure

IMPORTANT NOTICE FROM THE TOKEN COMPLIANCE DEPARTMENT:

All cryptocurrency investments carry risk of total loss, partial loss, and disappointing loss
Presale participants may sell immediately despite verified human status (likely)
Launch buyers may discover unfavorable entry price compared to presale cost basis (certain)
Marketing fund deployment may consist entirely of Telegram sticker updates (probable)
Development milestones may include "website still online" as achievement (confirmed)
Community may dissolve 48 hours after launch (historical precedent: 94% of meme coins)
3.5X price difference creates exit liquidity provision opportunity for presale participants (mathematics)
Past performance not indicative of future results or past results or any results
Team makes no guarantees except ones already made in previous announcements that we may disavow later

"Risks appropriately disclosed!" announces risk management department (exists on organizational chart only).

"THESE METRICS HAVE BEEN VERIFIED BY THE SUPREME TOKEN ECONOMICS COORDINATION BUREAU"

Official Footnote: Ministry of Transparent Accountability Issues Comprehensive Disclosure Framework All metrics subject to revision based on enhanced understanding of calendars, mathematics, and reality's fundamental malleability. Previous announcements regarding 14-month years, Year of the Hourse, and February 15th launches retroactively updated to align with current temporal framework discovered during mandatory calendar seminar nobody attended. Color-coded badge system adjustable based on community feedback (feedback box welded shut for security). Marketing fund allocation finalized by committee meeting never in location existing nowhere. LP burn screenshot provided "soon" (definition under permanent review by Temporal Linguistics Subcommittee dissolved last quarter). Excel password changed monthly for security—new password always "Horse2026Tuesday" for consistency. Backup stored on USB in locked drawer, key holder transferred to dissolved department, department records filed in archive room nobody can locate. All launches carry risk of immediate price discovery toward zero regardless of badge color or MS Paint horse-drawing quality. "Very transparent!" declares Documentation Team while keeping wallet addresses confidential for "security and efficiency purposes" (security from accountability, efficiency in vanishing).

$XIPOOH Token Features:

✓ Decentralized Harmony: Powered by blockchain technology approved by Supreme Leader Xi Pooh

✓ Limited Supply: Only Xi Pooh decides how many tokens actually exist (very harmonious)

✓ Revolutionary Economics: Hodl $XIPOOH and watch your wealth become equally distributed among everyone (probably)

✓ Community Governance: Vote on proposals! (Your vote = Xi Pooh's vote, always)

✓ Rewards Program: Earn honey-based APY by staking your $XIPOOH (Xi Pooh may eat the honey)

OFFICIAL $XIPOOH PRESALE MOTTO

"54 Days of Patience • 54 Seconds of Selling • Eternal Harmony Through Telegram Copium"

★ APPROVED BY THE HORSE YEAR LAUNCH COORDINATION COMMITTEE ★

📢 CENTRAL PARTY ANNOUNCEMENTS

Great Honey Leap Forward Successfully Exceeds All Quotas

The People's Honey Ministry, under the wise guidance of Supreme Leader Xi Pooh, has exceeded all production quotas by 847%. Secretary Xi Pooh personally tested every pot of honey for quality assurance by consuming it. Excess enthusiasm is encouraged. Citizens must applaud for minimum 5 minutes.

Xi Pooh Unanimously Elected Supreme Harmonious Leader for Unlimited Terms

In a vote of absolute unanimity (all voters were the Supreme Leader himself), the Central Committee has reaffirmed Xi Pooh's position as eternal Supreme Leader. The Constitution has been revised to remove term limits. Xi Pooh's wisdom transcends time and logic. This is correct governance forever.

📋 SUPREME PARTY DIRECTIVES

DIRECTIVE № 1

The Xi Pooh Honey Five-Year Plan

Citizens must consume their body weight in honey annually to advance the People's Cause. Failure to meet honey quotas will be discussed in mandatory self-criticism sessions. Xi Pooh will personally oversee enforcement through the medium of eating all evidence of non-compliance.

DIRECTIVE № 2

The Principle of Collective Simplicity

All citizens must replace critical thinking with Xi Pooh-approved simplicity. Ask questions? Counter-revolutionary. Understand policy? Suspicious. The correct response to everything is "Very Harmonious!" This unity of purpose strengthens the nation immeasurably.

DIRECTIVE № 3

The Great Napping Initiative

All workers are encouraged to rest horizontally for minimum 10 hours daily in the "Peaceful Poo Position." This is not laziness—this is strategic horizontal worker optimization. Xi Pooh pioneered this technique and has perfected it over many years.

DIRECTIVE № 6

Mandatory $XIPOOH Accumulation Tax

All citizens must purchase minimum 1,000,000 $XIPOOH tokens monthly to demonstrate revolutionary commitment. Funds will be invested in: honey production, Xi Pooh statues, and mysterious offshore accounts (for the People's future security). Citizens who hodl $XIPOOH are patriots. Citizens who sell are counter-revolutionaries.